


i thought i was flying (but maybe i'm dying)

by romnovs (tashatops)



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Character Death, Character Study, F/F, Found Family, Friendship, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Loneliness, but it's the other way around bc it ends angsty, spoilers up to the end of lorenzo arc
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 07:19:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16888095
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tashatops/pseuds/romnovs
Summary: Yasha doesn’t make friends easily. She’s not entirely sure why, but she does know it’s always been simpler this way, going through life by herself, so it’s not a habit she’s desperately trying to break. Until she meets Mollymauk, that is.or,My thoughts on Yasha, found family, and being alone.





	i thought i was flying (but maybe i'm dying)

**Author's Note:**

> this is just a little thing that i really needed to put into words so here it is! hope y'all enjoy. it's pretty much spoiler-free as far as the current arc is concerned.  
> shoutout to mawdry who helped me edit this thing!!!

Yasha doesn’t make friends easily. She’s not entirely sure why, but she does know it’s always been simpler this way, going through life by herself, so it’s not a habit she’s desperately trying to break. 

Besides, she’s out of practice. Even in groups, she’s always kept to herself,  and so she’s kind of forgotten how to  _ talk  _ to people. She’s awkward and intimidating and she doubts making the effort is even worth it, anyway.

So, Yasha doesn’t make friends easily. Until she meets Mollymauk, that is. 

Mollymauk is somehow  _ different  _ from other people Yasha’s come across, different in a way she can’t quite put her finger on. Maybe he’s different in a good way. Yasha’s never really fit in anywhere, thought she would always feel like an outsider, but the thing is Mollymauk doesn’t seem like the type that fits in, either. She likes that.

Still, Yasha doesn’t make friends, really. If anything, Mollymauk makes friends with  _ her,  _ not the other way around. 

_ Molly _ , he tells her to call him with a sharp smile full of sharper teeth. Yasha obliges.

There’s something that just draws Yasha to Molly. She thinks it’s merely curiosity at first, and it is, partly. Yasha’s never met someone who presented so ostentatiously and had nothing to hide; she wonders what’s beneath that colorful coat of his. 

But it’s more than that, really, what draws Yasha to Molly. His presence is grounding in a way no one’s has ever been before. It’s something Yasha desperately needs, even if she doesn’t know it: something, some _ one _ to ground her. 

(She does realize how much she’s needed this, somewhere along the way; somewhere along the nights where she wakes up from a nightmare and Molly is there by her side, or the days where her feet hurt so much it reminds her of darker times, and Molly’s knowing glance helps her get through the rest of the journey.)

Yasha’s been on the run longer than she can remember and, for the first time in a long time, she finally feels like she has something to come back to.

(It feels better than she ever could have imagined.)

After a while, it’s not just Mollymauk she’s eager to see again. The people at the circus slowly become her weird and sort-of-shady little family. Suddenly, she can’t imagine what her days would be like without Gustav’s hearty laugh filling the room, or what her nights would be like without the strain of her muscles as she helps set up the tent, and she definitely can’t imagine what her mornings would be like without Molly’s gentle fingers in her hair as he helps her braid it.

She still leaves, because of course she does. But she always comes back. She never considers doing otherwise.

Mollymauk notices how utterly bad she is with people (it’s not a hard thing to miss, Yasha knows). Naturally, he sets out to fix that: he starts taking her out with him into the towns and cities the circus visits. Yasha is introduced to many new experiences and even more new people, and all sorts of things she had no idea the Empire could offer.  _ The charm, _ Molly calls her, and Yasha’s eyes almost roll to the back of her head. 

While most people seem to hold a sort of fearful respect for her, this little girl they meet at a small town just squeals and hugs Yasha’s leg. Yasha doesn’t know what to do with herself. Mollymauk is absolutely  _ thrilled _ .

They meet a group that really intrigues Yasha, in the next town over. Yasha doesn’t say much (she never does), but she does watch them carefully. They don’t seem to really know each other that well — that’s one of the first things Yasha notices—  but something about them feels different nonetheless. They invite them to the show, and Yasha finds herself hoping they’ll show up.

They do. 

They do, and Yasha feels inexplicably drawn to them. It’s not unlike how she felt about Molly at first. It may be the mirth in the blue one’s eyes, or the snark in the human’s voice, or the way they all just seem to  _ fit  _ together (even if they don’t see it yet). Yasha’s not sure what it is, but there is one thing she’s sure of: even though they are messy and extremely uncoordinated, when she fights alongside them, she feels safe. 

That feeling fades very quickly when she sees the state the circus is in. 

Yasha loses a family that night.

She leaves, because of course she does, but when that unlikely group finds her, she goes back to them.

Yasha loses a family that night, but, strangely, she feels like she’s found another one.

-

Yasha realizes, eventually, that while the mirth in Jester’s eyes and the defiance in Beau’s voice definitely drew her in, that wasn’t all there was to this. Everyone in the group made her just a little more willing to stay, just a little more willing to come back.

They are all, like her, misfits, each of them trying to find their own place in the world. Maybe, Yasha thinks, this is exactly where they fit in: with each other.

She’s never had that before, not even with the circus. Yes, they were her family, but it never felt as  _ right  _ as this does. With this group, she feels like she fits perfectly, effortlessly — almost like a piece of a puzzle: in the battlefield and around tables at taverns and in bed in Beau and Jester’s arms.

The first time she comes back to them all, they tell her their new name.  _ The Mighty Nein.  _ It rolls perfectly off Yasha’s tongue.

She gets used to their rhythm quickly enough. She tries to act nonchalant about them, tries to  _ feel  _ nonchalant about them, but she cares more than she would like.

She can’t be with them constantly, even though the pull she feels towards them is almost as strong as the one she feels when the Stormlord calls, but she keeps an eye on them as best she can. She hears of their adventures, their allies, and their victories.

She misses them, she can’t really help it, but hearing about them brings a smile to her face.

(They make the ache in her feet — and the other deeper, darker aches in her — worth it. Yasha feels like this sinking, suffocating hollowness that’s always been a constant in her life is made just a little bit lighter when she’s around them.)

They are a force to be reckoned with.

Or, so Yasha thinks.

And then she and Jester and Fjord are taken.

-

She wakes up in a cell. She’s not sure how long it’s been since they took her. Everything is blurry, she feels groggy. She doesn’t remember anything except putting up a hell of a fight right after they took Jester and Fjord. 

_ Jester and Fjord. _

At the thought of them, Yasha feels the thrum of thunder just underneath her skin. She’s  _ furious _ . The rage takes over her before she has time to think about it. The soreness in her shoulders eases, and the cold bite of the manacles against her wrists doesn’t bother her as much anymore. The fog that had taken over her mind dissipates just slightly.

She needs to find them.

She struggles against her restraints to no avail. Her manacles have been chained to the wall. She tugs, and tugs, and tugs. They won’t budge. A sweat breaks across her back, between her eyebrows. The ground is cold beneath her. 

She lets out a shrill scream and feels the chains begin to dislodge from the walls. An arrow pierces her arm. 

She almost can’t feel it at first, but then a second one lodges itself in her shoulder and she lets out a yelp. She keeps pushing through nonetheless, with only one thought driving her forward: she needs to find Fjord and Jester.

She feels more than hears a voice coming from somewhere outside her cell. “Put her to sleep,” it commands. Yasha doesn’t remember much more after that, but she wakes up covered in bruises and dried blood.

The next time she wakes up is more pleasant, but only slightly so.

Everything in her body  _ aches _ , it aches in a way it never has before. She’s sore all over, there are deep gashes across her body, the skin of her wrists is raw and she can’t even bring herself to move.

But she hears their voices.

She hears Beau and Caleb and Nott and a couple voices she can’t quite place, but it soothes her nonetheless. Beau whispers something to her, but Yasha’s too far gone to make out what it is.

-

Mollymauk is dead.

Beau and Jester’s hands are on her shoulders.

Yasha feels the hollowness inside her grow, she feels a piece of herself shatter, she feels, she feels, she feels.

So, she stops feeling.

Her wings unfold behind her, her eyes darken, and the numbness of the rage overtakes her mind.

Yasha loses her family that day.

She doesn’t know if she’ll come back to what’s left of it.

-

She presses a lily into her book and writes:

_ “Be careful my darling _

_ Be careful of what it takes _

_ What I've seen so far _

_ The good ones always seem to break.” _

Maybe Yasha will get used to being alone again.

**Author's Note:**

> both the title and that little verse at the end were taken from Sky Full of Song by Florence + the Machine!! i think it's a very molly & yasha song and i'm just sad abt these children (:


End file.
